Disarm
by keroppi-chan
Summary: songfic, yaoi, another extraordinarily sad one, what fun, ne?


Title: "Disarm"  
  
Autheor: keroppi-chan  
  
Date: 11-30-01  
  
Catergory:songfic  
  
Rating: R (S is for Suicide)  
  
Pairing:1x2  
  
Warnings: *printed on bottom of cardboard box* FRAGILE. DO NOT TURN OVER.  
yaoi, if you don't like it, i'm going to strap you into a chair and make you read it.  
the darkness hounds you. emmerse yourself in it or it will destroy you.  
Deathfic. people die. but in a good way.  
Angst. But we all love angst, ne? *yuki-bara-chan shows up* NO WE DON'T!!! *is cut off by the oncoming disclaimer*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing *sob* but i can just borrow them for a bit, ne? *holds up voodoo dolls and cackles evilly* If you want to sue me, *reaches into pockets and pulls out something and hold out to you* You may have lint. -_-;;; And dear, dear Pumpkins, I do not mean to offend you in any way, just glorify your wonderous name. I know i don't own you *looks at hotties suspiciously* yet. Please don't get mad. PLEASE!?!?!  
  
Feedback: PLEASE?!?!?!  
  
*Note: // indicates song lyrics  
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"Disarm"  
  
//Disarm you with a smile//  
  
I used to think that I could. I used to think I'd break down your defenses. I was wrong. It doesn't break, it tears.  
  
//Cut you like you want me to//  
  
But damn it if I don't see the longing in your eyes. It hurts... I smile, it hurts, but you need me to smile. It's constant. Perhaps one of the only constant things in this crazed hyperactive world. It's why you're doing this. No matter what it costs, the consistency of pain will never change. The consistency of pain. I almost laugh at how idiotically poetic that sounds.   
  
//Cut that little child  
Inside of me and such a part of you//  
  
I smile. What have I got to smile for? I want to cry. I silently curse myself for being so pathetically weak. So insignificant. Yet controlling so much.  
  
//Ooh.. the years burn//  
  
You have no idea the effect that you've had on me from first glance. Your eyes now roam my body for a moment, as they have before. Prussian meets Indigo, down the barrel of a 9 mm Barreta. I don't flinch. I will myself not to move. At the very least, let me control my body, and emotions be damned.  
  
//I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes//  
  
I've seen so much that I don't remember the innocence of youth. My eyes, my experience- so old. Yet my mind... so callow, so weak. I can't understand myself, much less you... why do you do this, Heero? I can't understand.  
  
//And what I choose is my choice//  
  
I know what's coming, and I'm not afraid. Go ahead. Just do it already. I decided to make myself vulnerable to this. Hell, why not? At this point it'll be a disappointment if you don't.  
  
//What's a boy supposed to do?//  
  
I'm helpless. Defenseless. I have no way of stopping you. My instincts are screaming at me to get away, adrenaline pumping uncontrollably, preparing for the fight or flight. If I could stop you, would I? I wouldn't. I couldn't. I can't. I won't. I die.  
  
//Disarm you with a smile//  
  
The look in your eyes tells me my smile's faded. I smile again, that sad, strange smile. The gun wavered.  
  
//And leave you like they left me here//  
  
It's obvious, even to a wouldn't-take-a-hint-if-it-took-his-wallet-and-left-him-naked-in-an-alleyway guy like you. My smile's a defense mechanism. Duo's body...sitting right here. Duo's mind... frolicking in the grassy green fields yelling "WHEEEE!! I'M FREEEEE!!!" Oh yeah. There's humor, too.  
  
//To whither in denial//  
  
I'm beginning to think that all the world's a sadist and we just happen to be the uke. DAMMIT! The defenses hurt! They shield me from pain but fill me with a pain of their own. I have to face my problems.  
  
//The bitterness of one who's left alone//  
  
The smile fades again. I watch the vulnerable part on that ever-unchanging face. Your eyes change, did you know that? You're shocked. I let go of my last defense.  
  
//I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes//  
  
Scenes from the ruins at Maxwell Church flash before my eyes. Bodies. Death, and bodies. Underneath a crevice in the rubble, sits a small boy. No tears left. Just that grim expression. No smiles, just that expression, the one i'm wearing now. This boy will live. He will grow. Grow, to become what?  
  
//What I choose is my choice//  
  
You can read everything through me. The fixation of my posture? My determination to control myself. The expression? My readiness to die. The eyes? The soft, peaceful eyes? Take a guess.  
  
//What's a boy supposed to do?//  
  
Yeah. It shows in my eyes. My helpless devotion to you.  
  
//The killer in me, is the killer in you//  
  
I've seen the look before. The look given to the innocent lives you've claimed and now you're claiming mine.  
  
//My love//  
  
My last strength, used to convey myself to you. My eyes grow desperate with unexpressed love. The words fall out of my mouth, hanging there and then falling into the darkness like blood. "I love you, Heero."  
  
  
~Inside the mind of Heero- be afraid. Be very afraid.~  
  
Heero's grip tightened on the gun. He fired once, twice, piercing the heart of the Shinigami. He blinked. He wondered- no, he knew why he hadn't just blown that pretty little head off. Duo's lips curled just slightly, then froze on his face, his soft eyes hardened. Heero kneeled, and closed Duo's eyes forever with a soft brush of his rough fingertips; more sentiment than he was able to give Duo in life. Duo's chestnut hair flowed freely around him, his eyes shut, faint smile, he looked as if he might be sleeping, he looked... beautiful. Heero leaned closer still, and held the child tightly. Gods! He needed... something...(1)He felt pressure build up in his stomach and a lump developed in his throat. He was horrified. The perfect soldier does not shed tears over his victims. But... he couldn't hold this pressure. This pressure was unlike any that he'd felt before. He gave in, and his tears ran freely down his face, mixing with Duo's blood. The deaths came back to him. The innocent lives, the spirits were choking him. He was a horror, a plague on the world. He didn't deserve to live. The gun, still clutched in his firm grasp. Escape.   
The world has no use for him. The perfect soldier, but for what? The innocents were calling him, the charm of Duo's voice unbearable. Heero whispered to it. "I love you, Duo."  
The gun fired. Heero saw the mixture of red and gray, like an abstract painting, before he fell.  
  
The world celebrated it's newfound peace. Two boys lay naked, cold, dead, in a bed in a sleazy motel. The neon red light across the street flashed on and off, lighting their arms, wrapped around each other, in an embrace that seemed like it might surpass death itself.  
  
~Owari~  
  
Author's Note  
No, I am not revealing him as a necrophiliac. yet... but not in this fic.  
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So whaddya think, suckfest, ne? If you thought anything about it, TELL ME!!! I want to hear ANYTHING! I'm desperate for Human communication!!!   
I read back thru it, and it didn't seem like something i'd normally read. I guess it has ta do with me reading what i can't imagine or describe well on my own, and the stuff that I could write being uninteresting to me. (HEY!! A completely non-screwy reason why I can't get enough of yaoi lemonage!)(Worship my psychologic genius)  
  
note- thanx to trowacko 4 beta-ing. rock on, dude! 


End file.
